//.the.sin.of.twilight.//

//.introduction.//

Either you went here for the blog post "Masci is gone?" or you just wanted to be here.
To go to the said post, click here.

Face it, we all know no one reads this.
But anyhow, I'm hoping.
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PEACE OUT.

My weird experience..

Today's a weird day. Not only that I'm left alone at home with a girl I don't want to be with, but somehow... I'm at ease talking at Alex in MSN. I dunno why. Maybe we're somewhat alike at things. I feel happy seeing a guy same with me. He's a nice guy. ^____^

I've been reading tons of yaoi this day because no one's home. Private time, eh? *laughs* Been reading Bitter Sweet Cafe (Honda and Megumi FINALLY got laid. >__>), Coming Out (Whoa, Naruto acted wild and hasty because of the simple confession! >__<), some boring Death Note kisses (>.> Something sweet = Light's lips) and this Intense Rain thingy... The seme acts funny...

And now the uke gets frustrated since he shoved the seme away. What a loser. And he suddenly visited his seme who is sick at home. I'm sensing a weird premonition about those two...

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So, AC's down, I'm bored... No, I'm not bored. Alex has been here for about an hour. ^___^ I wanna thank him badly for keeping me company. And I wanna thank "Intense Rain" for the wonderful story!! *sigh* Alex is gone, and I'm left all alone.. Oh well.

*sigh* Gosh, I can't believe I'm doing this... Writing perv stuff on a public blog. Am I stupid or what? Maybe I'm just dumb... Maybe I just feel sad since I'm alone, no one would talk to me since AC's down.. I told Alex that maybe I just want to be lonely all my life... I guess I'm lying for other's sake so that they won't get close too much to me and they won't miss me too much when I'm gone... That's my problem. I become close to my online friends too much. Like Katriina. When she started being MIA, I felt so sad I was dragged down by my feelings. I thought about leaving AC. It made me realize that you can't be on all the time, at times you want someone to be on. Right now I feel no enjoyment at AC. It can't replace the enjoyment I felt the very first time I had a friend there...

*shrugs* I have no right on saying this stuff anyway. Am I someone so important to them that they'll miss me if I left? Will they cry if I left? They won't. Because sooner or later, they'll forget about me. I'm not a main piece of their life. I can't act like I'm the reason that they're on. I can't. I can't act all high and mighty because we don't have the same culture. We just happened to register at the same forum, meet each other and become online friends...

But, after saying that, it seems so wrong... Do they even know that I think much about my online friends? Do they even know the fact that I became grounded because of them? No. They don't. If they do, they act responsible about it because I don't want them to be. This is my life, and this is my mistake. I don't want anyone to pity me and say "I'm sorry about that...". I don't want to hear those words. It seems so wrong to hear those from a friend because... Friends are there to make you happy, right?

Surely, they like me the way I am. I don't need to change. I don't need to act goody-goody. I don't need to act as someone else. Because I know they'll accept me the way I am. There are lots of people in the forum that I don't know. And it's better off that way...

Right...?

Since I don't have the right to know them. I'm scared to know them. What if they shove me off? What if they don't talk to me? What if they ignore me..? It's something I can't stop thinking about. I'm out of their league. Why should I bother talk to them when I can just go out of this room, and go outside and have fresh air? Why am I anti-social? I'm young, I can do whatever I want, whatever I please. I can do anything I want to.

Then why am I in this chair, this plush doll on my lap and eyes on the screen, reading some manga and on a forum, waiting for a real life friend to be on? Am I this obsessed about this? I need some time for myself too... But it seems like I can't provide enough time for myself to be happy... I'm still a hopeless brat, am I? ^______^ I tend to be happy even though I'm not, I tend to enjoy myself even though I'm hurt. I never released my true feelings at forums. I was scared to. I gave advices, I cried and laughed with them, but how about me? My problems, my joy, my pain... Can't I release it to them and ask for help?

I'm still a hopeless, insensitive jerk who tends to help anyone at pain but doesn't realize herself. I'm stupid enough as it is, I guess. Even though many says I'm strong... I'm still the weakest person acting tough for her siblings... I refuse to cry at times needed. Why am I acting like this? I can't understand myself at all... I'm so stupid... Acting tough for older people. Aren't they supposed to comfort me? But I guess I want helping people... And I don't want to see them hurt...

I don't want to see them cry.

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Gee, that was dramatic. If the guys in AC read that, they'll surely kill me.. >_<>.>;;

//.art.music.passion.//